Penthouse My Funny Valentine or Fear of Flogging

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Louis Tully: Your Honor, ladies and gentleman of the audience, I don't think it's fair to call my clients frauds. Sure, the blackout was a big problem for everybody. I was trapped in an elevator for two hours and I had to make the whole time. But I don't blame them. Because one time, I turned into a dog and they helped me. Thank you.

[the courtroom is in bewildered silence]

Egon: Very good, Louis. Short, but pointless.

Egon: My parents didn't believe in toys.

Ray: You mean you never even had a Slinky?

Egon: We had part of a Slinky. But I straightened it.

Egon: Vigo the Carpathian. Born 1505, died 1610.

Peter Venkman: 105 years old, he hung in there, didn't he?

Ray: He didn't die of old age, either. He was poisoned, stabbed, shot, hung, stretched, disembowled, drawn and quartered.

Peter Venkman: Ouch.

Winston: Guess he wasn't too popular at the end, huh?

Egon: No, not exactly a man of the people. Also known as Vigo the Cruel, Vigo the Torturer, Vigo the Despised, and Vigo the Unholy.

Peter Venkman: Wasn't he also Vigo the Butch?

Ray: And dig this, there was a prophecy. Just before his head died, his last words were "Death is but a door. Time is but a window. I'll be back."

[Dana hands Oscar to Peter]

Dana: It's late, I really ought to put him down.

Peter Venkman: May I?

Dana: Yeah, if you want to.

Peter Venkman: [points in baby's face] You're short, your bellybutton sticks out too far, and you're a terrible burden on your poor mother.

Prosecutor: So, you're saying that the supernatural is your exclusive province?

Peter Venkman: Kitten, I think what I'm saying, is that sometimes, shit happens, someone has to deal with it, and who ya gonna call?

Ray: You think there's a connection between this Vigo character and the... slime?

Egon: Is the atomic weight of cobalt 58.9?

Janosz: Soon, the city will be mine and Vigo's... mainly Vigo's.

Peter Venkman: You know, I have met some dumb blondes in my life, but you take the taco, pal! Only a *Carpathian* would come back to life now and choose New York! Tasty pick, bonehead! If you had brain one in that huge melon on top of your neck, you would be living the sweet life out in Southern California's beautiful San Fernando Valley!

Egon: I'd like to run some gynecological tests on the mother.

Peter Venkman: Who wouldn't?

Judge Wexler: [in the middle of persecuting the Ghostbusters he was attacked by the ghosts of two murderers he sentenced to the chair] You got to do something! Help me!

Ray: Don't talk to me; talk to my attorney.

Louis Tully: And that's me! My guys are still under a judicial mistrangement order... that blue thing I got from her! They could be exposing themselves!

Peter Venkman: And you don't want us exposing ourselves!

Janosz: [passing by an assistant working at a desk] Everything you are doing is bad. I want you to know this.

Ray: [of the insulting birthday party kids] Ungrateful little yuppie larva. After everything we did for this city.

Winston: Yeah, we conjured up a hundred-foot marshmallow man, blew the top three floors off an uptown high-rise, and ended up getting sued by every city, county, and state agency in New York.

Ray: Yeah... but what a ride.

[the ghost of the R.M.S. Titanic appears in New York Harbor, and numerous ghostly figures emerge from it]

Dock Supervisor: Well, better late than never.

Elaine: According to my source, the end of the world will be on February 14th, in the year two thousand and sixteen.

Peter Venkman: Valentine's Day. Bummer. Where'd you get your date, Elaine?

Elaine: I received this information from an alien. As I told my husband, it was in the Paramus Holiday Inn, I was having a drink at the bar, alone, and this alien approached me. He started talking to me. He bought me a drink, and then I think he must have used some kind of a ray or a mind control device because he forced me to follow him to his room and that's where he told me about the end of the world.

Peter Venkman: So your alien had a room at the Holiday Inn, Paramus?

Elaine: It could have been a room on the spaceship made to look like the hotel. I can't be sure about that, Peter.

Judge Wexler: If my hands weren't tied by the unalterable fetters of the law, then I would invoke the tradition of our illustrious forebears, reach back to a purer, sterner justice, and have you BURNED AT THE STAKE!

Peter Venkman: [to Egon] Who told you to stop cutting? Somebody tell you to stop cutting?

First Cop: What are you guys doing here?

Peter Venkman: [to First Cop] You tell him to stop cutting?

First Cop: Yes, I told him to stop cutting. What are you doing?

Peter Venkman: What's it look like we're doing here? Why don't you let us work? We let you work.

Ray: [to Peter] Hey, take it easy.

[to First Cop]

Ray: He's been working overtime. I'll tell you why we're here. We're here because some diaper bag downtown's being a jerk and making us work on a Friday night. Am I right, Peter?

Peter Venkman: Of course you're right, Raymond.

[to Egon]

Peter Venkman: Is he right, Ziggy?

Egon: [pause] Yo!

Dana: How is he these days?

Egon: Peter? Well, he was borderline for a while... then he crossed the border.

Dana: Okay, but after dinner, don't put any of those old cheap moves on me. It's different now.

Peter Venkman: Oh, no! I have all NEW cheap moves.

[the Mayor's assistant has just been rude to Dr. Peter Venkman]

Peter Venkman: You know, I'm a voter. Aren't you supposed to lie to me and kiss my butt?

Prosecutor: Dr. Venkman, would you please tell the court why you and your co-defendants took it upon yourselves to dig a very big hole in the middle of 1st Avenue?

Peter Venkman: Well, there are so many holes in 1st Avenue, we really didn't think anyone would notice.

[Louis Tully is the Ghostbusters' defense lawyer]

Louis Tully: I think you guys are making a big mistake. I do mostly tax law and probate stuff occasionally. I got my law degree at night school.

Ray: Well, that's fine, Louis. We got arrested at night.

Vigo: I, Vigo, the Scourge of Carpathia, the Sorrow of Moldavia, command you!

Janosz: [gets down on his hands and knees and starts bowing] O command me, lord!

Peter Venkman: [to Dana] Well you're probably feeling what Vigo's feeling: "Carpathian Kitten Loss." He misses his kitty! Well, we'll just place one in here right by the castle.

[Peter grabs a brush and moves towards the Vigo painting]

Janosz: [Trying to stop Peter] Don't go 'round altering valuable art, Dr. Venkman... go... yes, I think, go... the joyfulness is over!

Dana: [to Janosz] He's kidding.

Peter Venkman: Well, you're not gonna get a green card with that attitude, pal!

Ray: It looks like a giant Jell-O mold.

Winston: I hate Jell-O.

Peter Venkman: Oh, come on. There's always room for Jell-O!

[looking at the painting of Vigo]

Winston: Wow, that is one ugly dude.

Peter Venkman: [as the Mayor walks in]

[Raising his voice over the rest of the 'Busters]

Peter Venkman: Lenny. Big man.

The Mayor: The Ghostbusters.

Winston: Mr. Mayor?

[Holds out his hand, wanting to shake his hand]

The Mayor: What is this? A slumber party?

Ray: Well, that's why we wanted to see you.

The Mayor: Listen, *I* don't want to hear anything about it. You got 2 minutes. Make it good.

Ray: [Getting started] Well, first of all Mr. Mayor, it's a great pleasure to see you again, and you'll be happy to know that 50% of us voted for you in the last election.

The Mayor: I appreciate that.

Peter Venkman: I'm sorry we have to meet under these circumstances.

Ray: Mr. Mayor, we're here tonight because a psychomagnatheric slimeflow of immense proprtions is building up beneath the city.

The Mayor: Psycho-what?

Egon: Psychomagnatheric.

Peter Venkman: Big word, big word.

Egon: Negative human emotions that are forming into a vicious ectoplasm with *explosive* supernormal potential.

The Mayor: Can somebody speak english here?

Winston: Uh yeah. Your honor, what we're trying to say is all of the bad feelings. You know hate, anger and the vibes of the city are turning into this *sludge*. I didn't believe in it either. But, we just went for a swim in it and end up almost killing each other.

Hardemeyer: [to the Mayor]

[Aggrivated]

Hardemeyer: This is insane! Do we *really* have to listen to this?

Peter Venkman: [to Hardemeyer] Can't you stop your lips from flapping for 2 little minutes?

[to the Mayor]

Peter Venkman: Lenny, have you been out on the street lately, do you know weird it is out there? We've taken our own headcount, there seems to be 3 *million* completely miserable assholes living in the Tri-State area.

Hardemeyer: [In disbelief] Please?

Peter Venkman: I beg your prdon, 3 million and *one*.

Hardemeyer: Hey.

Ray: And what *fuggy brain* here doesn't realize, that if we don't do something fast this whole place is gonna blow like a frog on a hot plate.

Hardemeyer: [In disbelief] Yeah right.

The Mayor: What do you want me to do, go on television and tell 3 million people they have to be *nice* to each other?

[Begins to walk off]

The Mayor: Being miserable and treating other people like dirt is every New Yorker's god-given right. Your 2 minutes are up, good night gentlemen.

Peter Venkman: Hi, Egon. How's school? I bet those science chicks really dig that large cranium of yours, huh?

Egon: I think they're more interested in my epididymis.

[Egon and Ray are showing Peter and Winston their breakthrough with a slime specimen]

Egon: Go ahead, Ray!

Ray: [shouting at the slime] You! You worthless piece of slime! You ignorant disgusting blob!

[slime twitches]

Egon: You're nothing but an unstable short-chained molecule!

Ray: You foul obnoxious muck!

[bubbles dangerously with every insult]

Egon: You have a weak electrochemical bond!

[starts to bubble over]

Ray: I have seen some disgusting crud in my time, but you take the cake!

Peter Venkman: This is what you do with your spare time?

Vigo: Find me a child that I might live again!

Janosz: Yes. A child. A child!

Janosz: [confused] A child?

[Vigo electrocutes Janosz's eyes]

Janosz: [possessed with the evil power] A child.

Peter Venkman: Dana, you just never got it. I'm a man, I need to feel loved. I need to be desired!

Dana: When you started introducing me as the old ball and chain, that's when I left.

Peter Venkman: Next week on "World of the Psychic". Hairless cats... weird.

[at the Statue of Liberty]

Peter Venkman: Hey, how many of you people out here are a national monument? Raise your hand, please? Oh, hello, Miss!

[as the city falls into chaos, the police station is flooded with countless calls from frightened citizens]

Detective #2: [on the phone] Was it a big dinosaur or a little dinosaur? Oh, just the skeleton, huh? Which way was it headed?

Detective #3: [on the phone] Wait a second. What was chasing you in the park? The park bench was chasing you? I see...

Police Sergeant: [on the phone] What? Wait a second. Lieutenant, I think you'd better talk to this guy.

Police Lieutenant: [impatiently] I'm busy here!

Police Sergeant: It's some dock supervisor down at Pier 34.

Police Lieutenant: What's the problem?

Police Sergeant: He says the Titanic just arrived!

Janosz: [on waking after being freed from his possession, singing] They will come from behind... Ah, ah... why am I drippings with goo?

Egon: You had a violent prolonged transformative psychic episode.

Dana: You're much better than you realize. You don't give yourself enough credit.

Peter Venkman: I need to hear that kind of stuff. You know, if I had this kind of stuff for like on a 24-hour basis, I could have myself whipped into shape by the end of this century.

Egon: Let's see what happens when we take away the puppy.

Peter Venkman: See you next week on "World of the Psychic." Until then, this is Peter Venkman, saying...

[points to his forehead and stares at the camera for a long beat]

Peter Venkman: Ha ha! See you then.

[Ray has stepped in front of the painting of Vigo, blocking the Ghostbusters' attack]

Egon: Ray... we'd like to shoot the monster. Could you move, please?

Peter Venkman: Ray...

Winston: Ray?

Egon,Peter Venkman,Winston: RAY!

[Ray turns around, he is Ray/Vigo]

Ray: [demonic voice] NO! I, Ray, am Vigo, shall rule the Earth! Begone, you pitiful half-men!

Peter Venkman: Now!

[they attack]

Peter Venkman: So, what happened to Mr. Right? I heard he ditched you and went to Europe.

Dana: He did not ditch me. We had some problems, and he got a very good offer from an orchestra in London and he took it.

Peter Venkman: So he ditched you?

Con Ed Supervisor Fianella: What's going on here? Hey, what's the story?

Peter Venkman: Hey what? You boneheads are going to come to harass me on again? I got 3 thousand phone lines grounded here, I got about 8 million miles of cable I gotta check, you're gonna come and shake my monkey tree again?

Con Ed Supervisor Fianella: What are you talking about buddy, the phone lines are over there.

Peter Venkman: [Turns to Egon] What did I say to you?

[Begins slapping Egon's hardhat]

Peter Venkman: Those phone lines are over there. What did I say? How many times?

First Cop: Hey, hey. You're not with Con Ed, or the phone company, we've checked. So, tell me another one.

Peter Venkman: [Thinking of another excuse] I got a major gas leak here! What do you think all of this is coming from, the sky?

[Wexler, Louis, Peter, Ray, and Egon all watch the prosecuting attorney being carried by one of the Scoleri brothers outside the courtroom]

Judge Wexler: [wailing] Ohhh...

Peter Venkman: You're next, bubbles.

Judge Wexler: [screams] ALL RIGHT! ALL RIGHT! I rescind the order! Case dismissed!

Louis Tully: Hooray, we won the case!

Judge Wexler: Now do something!

Peter Venkman: I have more than two grades of laundry, okay? There's not just clean and dirty. There are many subtle levels. Okay? See? You hang this outside the window for twenty minutes... it's perfectly fine.

Ray: [dripping with good slime] Hey, man, let me tell you something. I love you.

Janosz: Yes? Well, I love you too.

[they hug]

Peter Venkman: Have you been outside lately? Do you know how weird it is out there? We've taken our own head count. There seem to be six million completely miserable assholes living in the tri-state area.

Hardemeyer: Oh, please!

Peter Venkman: Excuse me, six million and one.

The Mayor: What the hell is going on? It's pandemonium out there!

Hardemeyer: Yes, I know. We're working on it!

The Mayor: Great. While you're working on it, I'm going down as the mayor who let New York get sucked down into the tenth level of hell! All right, we got no choice. Call the Ghostbusters.

Hardemeyer: Wait! Now I'm sure there's another way.

The Mayor: Jack, I spent an hour last night in my bedroom talking to Fiorello LaGuardia and he's been dead for 40 years. Now where are the Ghostbusters?

Hardemeyer: Uh, they're not available.

The Mayor: What do you mean they're not available?

Hardemeyer: Well, I had them committed to the psychiatric ward at Parkview Hospital.

The Mayor: You what?

Hardemeyer: They were threatening to go to the press! I was protecting your interests!

The Mayor: Oh yeah?

Hardemeyer: Uh-huh!

The Mayor: Well, you can stop protecting my interests. You have exactly three minutes to clear out. You're fired!

Hardemeyer: But the election! You're making a big mistake, Mr. Mayor!

The Mayor: Harry! Remove this man from the building and get me the Ghostbusters!

Vigo: On a mountain of skulls, in the castle of pain, I sat on a throne of blood! What was will be! What is will be no more! Now is the season of evil!

Dana: His name is Oscar.

Peter Venkman: Named after a hot dog. You poor man. You poor, poor man.

Louis Tully: So the 7 little dwarves had a limited partnership in a small mining operation. And one day a beautiful princess came to live with them. And they bartered housekeeping services for room and board, which was a real good deal for them because they didn't have to withhold social security or income tax or nothin', which you're really not supposed to do, you see, but for the purpose of the story, I think it's okay.

Milton Angland: I have a strong psychic belief that the world will end on New Year's Eve.

Peter Venkman: Well, for your sake, I hope you're right.

[At the foot of the Statue of Liberty]

Peter Venkman: Kinda makes you wonder, doesn't it?

Winston: Wonder what?

Peter Venkman: Whether she's naked under that toga. She *is* French. You know that.

Brownstone Boy #2: My dad says you guys are full of crap.

Ray: Well, some people have a hard time believing in the paranormal.

Brownstone Boy #2: Nah, he just said you guys are full of crap and that's why you went out of business.

Egon: [producing a toaster] Ordinary household toaster.

Peter Venkman: We'll take your word for that.

[over the phone with Peter, hearing that Dana's bathtub tried to eat her]

Ray: What? Are you serious? That's great! - I mean that's not great; that's terrible... Spengler, major slime-related psychokinetic event!

[piloting the Statue of Liberty]

Egon: We're running out of time, Ray, it's almost midnight. Can't you make her go any faster?

Ray: I'm afraid the vibrations will shake her to pieces. We should have padded her feet.

Egon: I don't think they make Nikes in her size, Ray.

Peter Venkman: Hey, she's tough. She's a harbor chick!

[the Ghostbusters have been committed to a mental hospital]

Ray: As I explained before, we think the spirit of a 17th century Moldavian tyrant is alive and well in a painting at the Manhattan Museum of Art.

Psychiatrist: Uh-huh, and are there any other paintings in the museum with bad spirits in them?

Egon: You're wasting valuable time. He's drawing strength from a psychomagnotheric slime flow that's been collecting under the city.

Psychiatrist: Yes, tell me about the slime.

Winston: It's very potent stuff. We made a toaster dance with it.

[motions to Peter]

Winston: And a bathtub tried to eat his friend's baby.

Psychiatrist: A bathtub?

Peter Venkman: [with his head buried in his arms in despair] Don't look at me. I think these people are completely nuts.

Egon: [talking about the mood slime after yelling at it] We're running tests to see if we can get an equally strong positive response.

Peter Venkman: What kind of tests?

Ray: Well, we sing to it, talk to it, and say supportive, nurturing things to it.

Peter Venkman: You're not sleeping with it, are you, Ray?

[Ray doesn't answer, but stares intently at Egon]

Peter Venkman: [noticing Egon, teasingly] You hound.

Winston: It's always the quiet ones.

Egon: [clears throat, and hastily changes the subject] How 'bout the kinetic test?

[viewing the River of Slime]

Egon: You know how much negative energy would be necessary to generate a flow this size?

Winston: New York - what a town, huh?

Judge Wexler: [two ghosts in electrics chairs are attacking the court room] The Scolari brothers!

Ray: Friends of yours?

Judge Wexler: I tried them for murder, gave 'em the chair! You've got to do something!

Egon: Why don't you just tell them you don't believe in ghosts?

Janine Melnitz: It is really a very nice place. Needs a woman's touch.

Louis Tully: [closing the door to Oscar's room] Shh. Bedtime.

Janine Melnitz: You are so great with kids.

Louis Tully: Oh, thanks, I practiced with my hamster.

Janine Melnitz: [holding what it looks like a crystal ball in her hands] So, you live alone?

Louis Tully: I used to have a roommate, but my mom moved to Florida.

Janine Melnitz: Why don't you come here and sit with me?

Louis Tully: Okay.

[he moves to the couch Janine is sitting]

Louis Tully: So, you want to play Boggle or Super Mario Bros.?

Janine Melnitz: No. I think motherhood is a very natural instinct.

Judge Wexler: Peter Venkman, Raymond Stantz, Egon Spengler,

[yells]

Judge Wexler: Stand up! Get up!

[the Ghostbusters stand up]

Judge Wexler: You too, Mr. Tully.

[Louis stands up]

Judge Wexler: [furious] I find guilty on all charges. I order to pay fines in the amount of $25,000 each...

[the mood slime burbles; Ray notices it]

Judge Wexler: ... and I sentence you to 18 months in the City Correctional Facility at Riker's Island.

Ray: Egie, she's twiching.

Judge Wexler: [yells] I'M NOT FINISHED!

[slime continues to boil]

Judge Wexler: On a more presonal note, let me just go on record as saying that there's no place for fakes, charlatans...

Egon: Uh, your honor?

Judge Wexler: [cuts Egon off] Shut up! Or tricksters like you in desent society!

Peter Venkman: Your honor, this is important.

Judge Wexler: You play on the gullibility of innocent people!

Ray: Yes, sir...

Judge Wexler: Be quiet!

Ray: But...

[poits to the bubbling mood slime as it spills over]

Judge Wexler: [yelling] If my hands weren't tied by the alterable fetters of the law, then I would invoke the tradition of our illustrious forbears, reach back to a purer, sterner justice

[screaming at the top of his lungs]

Judge Wexler: and have you BURNED AT THE STAKE!

[the ghosts of the Scoleri brothers bursts from the slime; the jury members, many vistors and the prosecutor are all frightened]

Ray: [amazed] Wow!

Judge Wexler: [shocked and frightened] Oh, my God! The Scoleri Brothers!

[Wexler leaps from his bench as the ghosts attempt to attack him. He then crawls to Louis and the now-prosecuted Ghostbusters]

Judge Wexler: [yells] The Scoleri Brothers!

Ray: Friends of yours?

Judge Wexler: I've tried them for murder! Gave them the chair!

Peter Venkman: Dana, the guys are going down to the sewer to check for slime stuff. And Egon thinks there may be a huge surge in cockroach breeding. Want to blow off this dinner thing and go with them?

Dana: Taxi!

Egon: Hey!

[echoing]

Egon: Hey! Hey!

Ray: Hello.

[echoing]

Ray: Hello. Hello.

Winston: Hey!

Demonic Voice: Wwwwwwiiiiiinnnnnssssstoooooonnnnnn!

[after failing to break through the ectoplasm surrounding the Museum]

Egon: That slime mold is pulsing with evil. It would take a tremendous amount of positive energy to crack that shell and I seriously doubt there's enough goodwill left in this town to do it.

Ray: You know, I just can't believe things have gotten so bad in this city that there's no way back. I mean, sure, it's dirty, it's crowded, it's polluted, it's noisy and there's people all around who'd just as soon step on your face as look at you. But come on! There's got to be a few sparks of sweet humanity left in this burned-out 'burg and we just have to figure out a way to mobilize it.

Egon: He's right. We need something that everyone in this town can get behind, we need... a symbol!

Ray: Something that appeals to the best in each and every one of us.

Egon: Something good.

Winston: Something decent.

Peter Venkman: Something pure.

[They are all looking at the image of the Statue of Liberty on the Ecto-1's license plate]

Janosz: [singing] We will come from behind...

Ray: Hey.

Janosz: What... wha...

[Egon and Ray help a positively charged slimed Janosz up to his feet]

Egon: Are you all right?

Janosz: Eh... wh... why am I drippings with goo?

Egon: You had a violent, prolonged transformative, psychic episode.

Janosz: Huh?

Ray: Sorry we had to hose you there, but you were kind of out of control. Hey man, let me tell you something. I love you.

Janosz: [flattered with joy] Yes?

Ray: Yeah.

Janosz: Well, I love you too.

[They both hug]

The Mayor: Being miserable and treating other people like dirt is every New Yorker's God-given right.

Vigo: Death is but a doorway, time is but a window, I'll be back.

Peter Venkman: Uh, perhaps you can help me? I'm looking for a love-potion aerosol, that I can spray on a certain Penthouse Pet, to obtain her total submission.

Egon: My parents didn't believe in toys.

[two ten foot high, full-torso apparitions strapped into electric chairs with sparking electrical wires still attached, burst out of a specimen jar and hover in the air in the middle of a courtroom, sparks flying, before suddenly diving towards the judge and exploding]

Ray: Wow!

Janosz: This is Prince Vigo, the ruler of Carpathia and Moldavia.

Peter Venkman: Bit of a sissy, isn't he?

Janosz: He was a very powerful magician, Dr. Venkman. And, a genius in many ways.

Dana: He was also a lunatic and a genocidal madman. I hate this painting.

Egon: [after a ghost train runs through Winston] I think that was the old New York Central "City of Albany"! Derailed in 1920! Killed hundreds of people! Did you catch the number on the locomotive?

Winston: Sorry. I missed it.

Dana: You know, I think we got more food on your shirt than we did in your mouth. Bath... yes, bath. It's your favorite thing. Bath. It's your favorite thing! It's your favorite thing! Because I know what you get to do. You know what you get to do? You know what's more fun than anything? Huh? Splash Mommy. "I get to splash Mommy!" Yes! Now to get ready for this, Mommy's going to take her shirt off too...

[Takes off shirt, picks Oscar up. Turns around. The mass of pink slime reaches for Oscar and attacks; Dana screams and runs]

Dana: So what do you think?

Peter Venkman: Well, he's ugly. I mean, he's not Elephant Man ugly, but he's not attractive. Was his father ugly?

Dana: [to Oscar] Don't listen.

Peter Venkman: And he stinks! You're ripe, Senor! Did his father stink? Yeah, I bet Daddy was smelly, wasn't he?

Dana: But seriously, there's nothing... unusual about him, is there?

Peter Venkman: Well, I don't have a lot of experience with babies... but you're excited now, because Mama's here to get your stool sample!

Dana: Stool sample?

Peter Venkman: Yeah...

Egon: [Looking at Pictures of Vigo that Peter took earlier] We were right, Ray. Multi-palaner kirilian emanations.

Ray: [getting another picture] Yeah, well here is your next month's cover of GQ, check out the aura on this sucker. Now there is definitely a living presence there.

Egon: We should get a deeper look.

Ray: Why not I run this wider shot through the spectral analyzer?

Egon: Good, I'll try turning up the Roentgens.

[Puts a picture into the spectrogram, now talks about dinner]

Ray: So, what do you think, Chinese?

Egon: Uh, how about Thai?

Ray: Nah, too spicy. Greek?

Egon: Uh, Mexican?

Ray: Pizza?

Egon: Thin or thick?

Ray: Chicago.

Egon: [Takes out a picture of Vigo] What the hell is that?

[picks up his giant maginfying glass]

Ray: I know what it is.

[Unbeknownst to Ray and Egon, the door is suddenly locked]

Ray: I've seen this before.

Egon: Where?

Ray: Remember when you had me dangling like a worm on a hook 100 feet below 1st Avenue?

[Shows the slime on the picture]

Ray: That's the river of slime.

Ray: [after getting off of the phone with Peter] Spangler. A major slime-related psychokinetic event.

Egon: What happened?

Ray: Something came out of Dana's bathtub, tried to grab her and the baby.

Egon: Are they all right?

Ray: Yeah, she got out of there and went over to Venkman's.

Egon: This is interesting, Ray. Remember that Vigo character Peter mentioned? Look what came up

[Goes to his computer and types up Vigo's profile]

Ray: Nice ugly history. Do you think there's a connection to this Vigo character and the...

[Looks at the slime which is still bubbling]

Ray: slime?

Egon: Is the atomic weight of colbalt 58.9?

Judge Wexler: [Running from the Scolari Bros. and pounding on the door, then grabs ray by his suit jacket] You gotta do something, help me!

Ray: Don't talk to me, talk to my attorney.

Louis Tully: That's me. My guys are still under a judicial restraining order. That blue thing I got from her, they can be exposing themselves.

Peter Venkman: And you don't want us exposing ourselves.

Louis Tully: [waits at the bus stop only to find Slimer is driving the bus] Oh, it's you.

Louis Tully: [Slimer offers Louis to come aboard the bus] Okay, but I didn't know you had your license.

Dana: Hello, Peter.

Peter Venkman: [whips around Melodramatically, and speaks in a soap opera-esque deep tone] Hello, Dana.

Janosz: He is Vigo! You are like the buzzing of flies to him!

Peter Venkman: [outside the courthouse] We're the best. We're the beautiful. We're the only Ghostbusters.

Ray: We're back!

Ray: Not so fast, Dead-Head! You want a baby, why don't you go knock up some willing hellhound! Otherwise I'm giving you three to get back in that painting! One!

Peter Venkman: Two.

Janosz: You know, Dana, there are many perks to being the mother of a living god.

Peter Venkman: Here's something off the request line from Liberty Island. We're gonna squeeze some New Year's juice from ya, Big Apple!

Peter Venkman: [to his very agitated, slime covered fellow Ghostbusters in the restaurant] Boys, boys, you're scaring the straights, okay? Is there any way we can do this tomorrow?

Janosz: [after getting shocked by Vigo the first time, falling down the step ladder he was working on] Stinging! I'm stinging!

Peter Venkman: [while Vigo is holding Oscar] Not so fast, Vigo. Hey, Vigo, yeah, you, the bimbo with the baby. Didn't you know the big-shoulder look is out? You know, I have met some dumb blondes in my life, but you take the taco, pal. Only a Carpathian, will come back to life now and choose New York. Tasty pick, bonehead. If you had brain one in that "huge" melon on top of your neck, you'd be livin' the sweet life, out in southern California's beautiful San Fernando valley.

Peter Venkman: [walking towards the camera] Of course not, and that is the whole problem with aliens is you just can't trust them. Occasionally you meet a nice once: Star Man, E.T... But usually they turn out to be some kind of big lizard! But that's all the time we've got for this week on World of the Psychic. Next week though...

[Crew Member hands Peter a hairless cat]

Peter Venkman: Give me Ira. Hairless pets. Weird.

[hands the cat back to the Crew Member]

Peter Venkman: But until then, this is Peter Venkman saying-

[makes a gesture as if he is sending out a telepathic message]

Egon: I think that was the New York Central City Albany! Derailed in 1920 and killed hundreds of people, did you catch the number on the locomotive?

Winston: Sorry, I missed it.

Egon: Something's trying to stop us, we must be close.

[at Dana's apartment, Louis and Janine watch the movie "The Lady from Shanghai" on TV]

Janine Melnitz: Is, like, she the killer or what?

Louis Tully: No. That's Rita Hayworth. She was married to Citizen Kane while they were doing this thing. Then right after they finished, she dumped him for some polo player. I don't why beautiful girls love horses so much. Do you love horses?

Vigo: [In deep, throaty voice while holding Oscar] Now we become one.

Judge Wexler: [At the Ghostbusters' trial] Before we begin this trial, I want to make one thing very clear: The law does not recognize the existence of ghosts, and I don't believe in them either. So I don't wanna hear a lot of malarkey about goblins, spooks, and demons. We're gonna stick to the facts in this case. Leave the ghost stories to the kiddies, understood?

Winston: Wow. Sounds like a pretty open-minded guy, huh?

Egon: Yeah, they call him "The Hammer."

Ray: What can we do? It's all in the hands of our lawyer now.

Louis Tully: I think you guys are making a big mistake. I do mostly tax law and some probate stuff occasionally. I got my law degree at night school.

Ray: Well, that's fine, Louis. We got arrested at night.

Hardemeyer: Look, just put these guys away fast and make sure they go away for a long, long time, okay?

Prosecutor: I don't think it's gonna be hard with this list of charges.

Hardemeyer: Good. Very good.

[to Peter and the Ghostbusters]

Hardemeyer: Violating a judicial restraining order, willful destruction of public property, fraud, malicious mischief...

[chuckles]

Hardemeyer: See you in a couple of years at you first parole hearing.

Peter Venkman: [chuckles] They'll never take us alive.

Judge Wexler: [bangs gavel] All right, all right. Let's get on with it.

[to the bunch of reporters outside the courtroom after trapping the Scoleri Brothers]

Peter Venkman: We're the best. We're the beautiful. We're the only Ghostbusters.

Ray: [excited] We're back!

Janosz: [Wakes up after being doused with "good" slime] Why am I all dripping with goo?

Peter Venkman: [the Ghostbusters enters the museum's restoration room] All right, suck in the guts, guys. We're the Ghostbusters.

[they breathe in]

Janosz: [approaches the four; claps] No! No, please go! You...

Ray: Who's this wiggler?

Peter Venkman: He's yours, Ray. Sic him.

Janosz: [to Peter] I have discuss things with you. Now I...

Ray: Hi, how are you? Ray Stantz from the Ghostbusters. Nice to see you. Beautiful lab you have here.

Janosz: Can I tell what I told your friend?

Ray: We're just doing a routine spook check.

Janosz: Eh, Dr. Venkman, Dana is not here.

Peter Venkman: Yeah, we know that, Johnny.

Janosz: So why are you came?

Peter Venkman: Well, we got a report there was a major creep in the area. We checked our list and you were right there at the top. Johnny, where the hell are you from anyway?

Janosz: The Upper West Side.

Egon: The whole room's extremely hot, Peter.

Janosz: Hot?

Winston: [notices the painting of Vigo] Ooh, that's one ugly dude.

Peter Venkman: Oh, that's Vigo. Mr. Vigo?

Janosz: Uh...

Peter Venkman: [starts to take pictures of Vigo] Vigs, would you look this way, please?

Janosz: Please. No, don't. No, no!

Peter Venkman: Come on, show me something.

Janosz: No! No photographs, please! Slides are available in the Gift Shop, eh?

[Winston pulls Janosz out of the way; Janosz yells]

Peter Venkman: Yeah, thanks. Thank you, Winston.

Ray: Mr. Mayor, we're here tonight because a psychomagnatheric slimeflow of immense proportions is building up beneath the city.

The Mayor: Psycho what?

Egon: Psychomagnetheric. Negative human emotions are materializing in the form of a viscous psychoractive plasm with explosive supernormal potential.

The Mayor: Does anybody speak English, here?

[Ray and Winston have been hired as birthday party entertainers and the two are dancing to the "Ghostbusters" theme song]

Ray,Winston: [singing] If there's something strange/in the neighborhood/who ya gonna call?

Birthday Party Kids: [in unison] HE-MAN!

[the birthday party kids rush out of the room, leaving a despondent Ray and Winston]

Ray,Winston: [singing sadly] And it don't look good...

Ray: You know, I just can't believe things have gotten so bad in this city that there's no way back. I mean, sure, it's messy, it's crowded, it's polluted, and there are people who would just as soon step on your face as look at you. But come on! There's gotta be a few sparks of sweet humanity left in this burned-out berg. We just gotta find a way to mobilize it!

Dock Supervisor: [after seeing the Titanic arrive] Well, better late then never.

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Source: https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0097428/quotes/qt0407352

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